I yearn for an explosive love

Love more fierce than that tame word suggests

I desire fire 

Not merely raging, but furious

My craving is for a love like a sword of diamonds

Glistening and beautiful, menacing and deadly

I need an infectious, viral love

One that binds itself to my very soul as a parasite

I want to be hysterical with affection

Without this love I am void

A black hole, caving in upon itself

Sucking the light out of everyone nearby

I’m currently reading “How the Pro-Choice Movement Saved America,” by Christina Page and I’m horrified. One of the leading pro-life groups actually listed using a diaphragm as abortion on their website. Would it be arrogant and melodramatic to say that I often feel as if I’m choking on the ignorance people attempt to shove down my throat? I suppose it would be. Well then, I guess I’m arrogant and melodramatic, which I would prefer a thousand times over ignorance. 

I’m a Christian. I believe in gay rights. Hard to wrap your head around that, isn’t it? 90% of the people I know are Christian and it has probably never even occurred to them that yes, you can be a Christian and support gay rights, be pro-choice, appreciate other religions, decide not to go to church every single Sunday, be liberal, swear, and basically be and do whatever you want as long as you believe in Christ and what he did and have a relationship with him and do your best not to hurt anyone or flat out disobey his words.

Personally, I’m not gay, I would never have an abortion, choose another religion, etc, but who am I to stop anyone else from making their own choices just as freely as I have done? Why is it my responsibility as a Christian to go taking away other people’s freedom? I can almost hear you now, the people reading this who fall in that 90%. I know exactly what you would say, as I was once brainwashed by the church to say the same things for 15 years of my life. I know your arguments. All I have to say is let it go, let down your defenses and realize that the heart of God is love. Only love, nothing else. Love is freedom, not restraint. Love is letting people make their own decisions. Love is knowing that someone might be making the wrong decision in your eyes but letting them make it anyway because Love doesn’t force itself on people. Why else would God give us free will? If you honestly believe that letting people who are gay get married is an attack on marriage and your God, you are weak. I’m sorry, you are. You don’t need other people to define what marriage is for you. Before you get pissed off and stop reading, wait.

Marriage, that word right there that your eyes just passed over is a collection of symbols that cause your brain to think of an idea when you recognize the symbols as a whole. Marriage is defined as an intimate and close union. So in our language, the collection of symbols that make up the word marriage have come to be known collectively by our society as just that, an intimate and close union. So what does that mean? What point am I trying to make? Hold on.

If you are a Christian you probably believe that marriage is more than just an intimate and close union. That it is two people of the opposite sex coming before witnesses and asking God to join their souls together permanently to make one whole being for the rest of their lives. They are no longer separate, they are “complete.” This is more than just asking though, this is a covenant, a very serious promise that can’t be undone except in cases of infidelity. 

I think many Christians are threatened by gay marriage because they think if gay people can get married, their own heterosexual marriages will mean less. Getting married won’t feel as special to them. Maybe they see it as an insult to God. Maybe it’s an affront to their religion in general. Guess what, not just religious people can get married! Does it offend you that atheists can get married? Or what about the millions of people that get divorces, doesn’t that offend you? Should atheists be banned from getting married? Should divorces be outlawed? If marriage is such a Christian institution only Christians should be allowed to get married and divorce should only be allowed in cases of infidelity. 

But that’s not the case is it? Any man and any woman can get married. ANY. I would think this should be offensive to Christians but it seems that it is not. The only thing that appears to be an issue here is allowing gay people to get married. I want to know why and I don’t want any of the bullshit excuses I’ve been hearing lately. I want to hear something rational and real and well thought out and I know you’re out there, whoever you are, someone with a brain that can tell me why this is such a big deal. You may even be reading this right now. But I’m not finished, I need to wrap this up, I need it to make sense. 

Words evolve. Marriage, as a collection of symbols, as a word, does not mean what it once meant. It once meant a Christian man and woman asking God to join their souls. Since many people get married who are not asking God to join their souls together, who may leave God out of it entirely, who may not even believe in God, marriage to us as a society is not the same. Marriage means something different to different people. We all have different opinions. So what does marriage mean now? Commitment. It is two people deciding to have a committed, intimate, and close union. Does that leave out gay people? No, it is all people, any person can make this choice and laws should not decide to ban anyone from making it.

Now here’s my last point. I understand why someone who believes that God created marriage between a man and a woman would be upset with gay people getting married. I get that. However, if you are a rational being with an understanding of words and meanings and the way they evolve, you may understand that not everyone believes what you believe and that the word marriage has a very different meaning to them and you could then see why it would seem unfair, immoral, unjust, ridiculous, ignorant, and cruel to prohibit them from enjoying it. I honestly do not believe God will be offended, honestly and truly with all my heart. If you really believe that marriage is between a man and a woman how are you threatened? God is all powerful and if you think he doesn’t condone it, he wouldn’t do it! That’s it! That’s the whole point! God won’t do what he doesn’t agree with so if he chooses not to join two souls together, that’s it. You can’t PROTECT God! You can’t shield him from being offended by “abominations.” So if gay people can legally get married it shouldn’t affect you IN THE LEAST, AT ALL, PERIOD. God controls marriage in a spiritual way so leave that to him, leave the interpretations of words to men and women and let the evolution of language run it’s course and it doesn’t affect you.

As a Christian you are still allowed to think a gay couple’s souls aren’t tied together and if it makes you feel better you can look down on them with your ignorance and disdain but for God’s sake, for everyone’s sake, for freedom’s sake, don’t let your personal interpretation of a word bring unbearable pain and alienation into other people’s lives. Again, as a Christian, your main goal in life should be LOVE, not punishment. Just let it go and stop hurting people. You’re making the rest of us look bad. 

PS I am not at all saying that I think gay marriage is an abomination or that God doesn’t condone it or anything of that nature, I am simply saying most Christians feel that way but I’m open to saying that I don’t know exactly how God feels about anything in particular, I won’t pretend to know, I won’t try to interpret verses in the Bible, and in this case I don’t think it even matters because I am having a discussion about the meaning of the word “marriage” and how it has evolved and why nothing about it should be offensive. 

I’m terrible at loving people. Absolutely awful. I’m pretty much abusive in the way I love people. I manipulate and confuse, draw close and shove away, control and frustrate. I never know what I want but I’m mad when people can’t figure it out on their own. I want people to be everything for me at the same time and yet I get angry when they contradict themselves. I try to get close to people in a frenzy and then once I let them too close I panic and cut them out of my life… then I blame them for not trying hard enough. I’m completely insane. It’s quite a battle living with such a mind. It’s not as if I do these things consciously so I have this aware part of my mind that only wants to love and be loved and I try to go about getting that in a healthy way but my subconscious is constantly trying to sabotage me. Therefore I’m quite crazy. End of story. 

Today I became furious while reading a former friend’s opinion on a current controversy. I felt the anger linger at my throat, making my mind race with endless opportunities to correct and hopefully enlighten them. I was baffled by their blatant ignorance and prejudice. I was prepared to lower myself to typing an angry reply on Facebook, of all things, when I was hit with an intense peace. It occurred to me that I would never change their mind and what I considered ammunition for my case would only spur them on. Instead of making me feel helpless and fueling my frustration, it calmed me. Suddenly I understood the release in respecting differences. I realized that this could carry over to nearly every other disagreement I’ve had and will have. There will always be differences in opinion and I may fervently disagree with someone, but I can let it go. It doesn’t have to bother me. I can’t change them and the impossibility is refreshing. I don’t have to waste my energy. Of course, I’m sure you’re aware I still think this person is an idiot and I couldn’t end the post without at least getting that out. 

I haven’t posted in a while because I’ve been really busy but hopefully things will slow down tomorrow and I’ll have some time! Right now I have to leave for work and then I have an hour to do the homework for my training class, then I have to go to my training class for 3 hours, then I’m going to the gym.